Am I strong enough for this?

When I was a little girl, when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said "A Mommy". That is, until I realized it was upsetting career minded women in my family. I then started saying "A Track Star and a Doctor". So, I slowly figured out that to be what I wanted to be when I grew up, I first had to become a track star or a doctor, meet a guy, and provide a stable home for my children. I did that. (Not the Track Star and Doctor part. I'm just a boring HR Manager.) I did everything I was supposed to do. I am that girl who follows the rules. Life is just easier if you do. It's funny how people congratulate me for living my life this way. i just want to laugh. I took the easy route. It's the rest of you that should be applauded.

The point is, I've got everything I want. I'm married to a good guy who gave me 2 beautiful little boys. We live in a nice house we own and together are able to provide a stable home for our little boys. But of course, with the good comes the bad. Both of my boys have Asthma (thanks to me of course). At this very second I am in the hospital with my youngest son. The second time this year. The first time we were in the hospital for 7 days, and this time we are on day 3, hoping to get out this afternoon. My youngest, Eli, is only 9 months old! My oldest, Cole, is 3 years old. When he was 10 months old, he also spent some time in the hospital. I follow all of the rules. I give them their medicine on time. We wash our hands 20 times a day. But, no matter how hard I try, every once in a while, they get so sick they end up back in the hospital. Between Cole and Eli, we've been to the ER 5 times this year. I should mention that one of those times was so that Cole could get stitches on his face!!

How could anyone be prepared for this? It's hard enough being a mother to healthy kids. (Potty training alone should win parents a medal!) I have 2 beautiful little boys... WHO CAN'T BREATHE!!! I know how they feel, because I have asthma as well. That just scares me more. I know what it feels like. I know that they feel like they've just run a mile and are now trying to breathe through a straw. I HATE that I did this to them!

Ok, I realize that I'm being dramatic. I realize that millions of people are living with asthma as I type this, and are living perfectly wonderful lives. Including myself. It's just different when you're the mom. Especially the mom of 2 asthmatics that are basically still babies. That aren't old enough to tell me what's wrong. My oldest is just getting to the point that he comes to me and wants me to pick him up when he's not feeling well. He truly believes that mommy can make everything all better. Can I? Am I qualified for this job? Am I strong enough?

As I mentioned, right now I'm in the hospital with Eli. I've been here since 3AM on Monday morning. That was also the last time I saw Cole. He can't come visit because Eli is in isolation. My husband says that he started wheezing yesterday, so my husband is giving him treatments at home. Hopefully, we won't be back up here with him. I really don't think I could take it. I realize God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but he may have overestimated me this time around. Now I undersatnd why my Grandma Jones would always say, "Lord, give me strength."