Is this going to be my legacy?

Of course my first blog will have to be about my family. I have been married for almost 4 years to my husband, Sondre. We have two beautiful little boys. Cole will be 3 years old this coming Saturday, and Eli is 7 months old. We've got a pretty good life. I've had so many traumatic things happen to me over the years, that I now realize the benefit of all that is knowing how to enjoy the good times. It takes too much energy to dwell on negativity, so I try my best to let the bad times go.

Right now I'm content with my life, but still feel out of sorts. Old insecurities are resurfacing, and there are things in the past that I feel I need to figure out a way to resolve. Back in 1996, while attending college at the University of Kentucky, I was attacked by 2 men who threatened to take my life for no other reason than because I'm black. I still can't believe it happened. Back then, I definitely did not know who I was, and was too afraid to find out. I was terribly shy, and was content to stay in the background and just do whatever it is I was supposed to be doing. Which is probably the reason they picked me to attack. The UK campus has a history of racial tension, and at the time, it was being openly discussed in the school newspaper, The Kentucky Kernel. Although I was quiet and kept to myself, I was still a member of the track team, and one of my teammates suggested I respond to one of the comments in the newspaper regarding racial tension on campus. Their thought was that by giving my calm non-political perspective, it would put some more weight to our complaints. So I did. Two weeks later I was attacked while entering the back of the Psychology building ( I believe it's called Kastle Hall). Two gentlemen attacked me from behind, held knives to my throat, and repeatedly threaten to take my life. I remember their exact words, "If you don't like your life here, we can end it for you." The funny thing is I wasn't even scared at first. I thought I was getting robbed. I was just waiting for them to take my bag and run. It took me a few minutes to realize what they were saying. Even then, I thought if they were going to kill me they would have done it by now. It wasn't until one of them cut my hair, that I showed any emotion, and that was anger.

They finally ran off, so I collected my things and decided to walk across campus to the Black Student Union to try and find someone I knew to help. Walking across campus, I experienced something I had never experienced before, a fear of white people. In my mind they were all staring at me. Later, I realized they were. What I didn't know at the time was that besides cutting my hair, they had cut the back of my shirt and my back. I had blood stains on my white blouse and a crooked hair cut. I must have looked crazy! When I finally reached the BSU, I walked in, but because I had kept to myself so much, I didn't know anyone in there, so I walked out. At which time a group of people saw the blood on my back and got a teacher to go check on me. I calmly told her what happened and she tried to walk me back in to the BSU to call the police. At this time my closest friend on campus, Monty, came walking by all excited to see me. I was so relieved to see someone I knew, I started to cry... and then I got mad. I exploded with anger. I punched the window to the BSU and started to look around hoping to find the SOB's that did this to me. Of course, they were no where to be found. We called the police, and the teacher called my mother. (NOTE: The worst thing you can do to a mother is to have a stranger call and ask, "Are you Tanya-Marie's mother?" My mother didn't stop yelling until she heard my voice.) The next day I went home for a week, and then returned to campus.

Upon my return, I walked across campus to meet with a Dean that had asked me to check in upon my return. In front of the Dean's building there was a protest going on. I asked a young lady what they were protesting and she said, "Girl! You didn't hear about this girl, Tanya-Marie, who was attacked by 2 skin heads last week?" I almost threw up on her. A perfect stranger telling me about myself wasn't something I was prepared for. Ultimately, I ended up leaving UK in the middle of the semester and transferring to Kent State. Which I realize now, was a horrible decision. I was never able to get closure to that situation.

The reason this issue is creeping back up is because a friend of mine told me that I should start googling my applicants. She told me the best way to pull accurate information is by putting their names in quotes. So, yesterday, I googled myself. On the entire World Wide Wide, the only thing about me on the Internet is the 1996 attack. I should mention that I was interviewed by several local channels, Inside Edition, and BET, so I figured it would come up, but seriously, that's it? I ran track my entire life. I was in the newspaper every day. It's one of the things I'm proudest of. What about my wedding annoucement or my baby announcements? How is my Internet legacy "Girl Attacked on Campus"? Have employers googled me and hired me because they feel sorry for me? Is this a sign that I need to do something to draw closure to that situation? Should I just let it go? So frustrating.