My husbands cheating on me... with me.

On the Metra, I usually sit with my husband and my friend in the section where you face each other. I sit next to my friend and across from my husband. I guess the casual watcher wouldn't know for sure which woman my husband was with. Well, for about 9 months (it felt longer) I was pregnant with my youngest son Eli. After giving birth and going on maternity leave for 3 months, I came back to work and therefore started riding the train again. One morning, it was just my husband I on on the train. My husband gets off at a stop before me, so he gave me a kiss and got off the train. A lady behind me then leans forward and says, "You know he's married right?" I smile and say, "I was at the wedding." Thinking she will catch on. She says, loudly, "You know and you're still with him?" I then turn around and point at my wedding ring. She then shouts,"Oh! So since you're married too, that makes it ok!?!" At this point, the entire train is quiet and listening to our confrontation. I am pissed off, stand up in my seat, completely turn around so that I'm inches from her face and yell, "HE'S MARRIED TO ME DUMB ASS!!" The entire train explodes in laughter. I am instantly embarrased and turn around and start e-mailing my family and friends on my treo. As I'm doing, this the train gets quiet again. Then all of a sudden, the man on the other side of the aisle, who happens to be facing us, explodes in a semi-stifled laughter. The entire train then errupts again. I just want to dissapear.

I'm not sure if this whole time she thought my husband was with my friend, or maybe she knew he was married to the pregnant me, but didn't recognize the unpregnant. Who knows. All I know is that my husband is cheating on me... with me.

So frustrated...

I don't have the temperment to be a happy go lucky HR Manager. I'm naturally subdued and kind of grumpy. Why did I pick a career that requires me to be friendly? It takes too much time and energy to be "Fake Tanya" 8 hours a day. Don't get me wrong, I like what I do. All except the part when I have to talk to people. I don't understand the drama, the tears, the yelling, the pure emotion everyone seems to have about the stupidest things. I just don't understand it. About 10 times a day I want to yell "Get a REAL problem!"

I can't tell you how many times people have come in to my office to whine about the lamest things when my sons just got out of the hospital, I just returned to work after a miscarriage, my fathers just died, or something else that is infinitly more important then their current minor league drama!!!

Ok. I feel better now.

I am not my hair

I don't consider myself vain, but like every othe women on the face of this planet, my mood is in direct correlation with how good my hair looks. Seven months ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Within weeks, my hair started falling out in clumps. It happened with my first pregnancy as well, but there is no way to prepare yourself for losing your hair. I became depressed and just wasn't willing to cut it all off and try to pull off the super short Halle berry do again. So, I cut off almost all of my hair and I bought a wig. Ping. My co-worker said it made me look like Agent 99. For the first time, in a long time, My hair is 100% natural. I stopped wearing the wig a few weeks ago and am now wearing my hair in braids. After 3 months, I'll take the braids out and try to wear my hair naturally. I will try my best not to put another perm on my head! From what I can remember, my natural hair is medium sized curls. (Isn't it said that I can't remember.) My problem will be trying to keep it from getting to dry and breaking off, once again. Wish me luck!

Is this going to be my legacy?

Of course my first blog will have to be about my family. I have been married for almost 4 years to my husband, Sondre. We have two beautiful little boys. Cole will be 3 years old this coming Saturday, and Eli is 7 months old. We've got a pretty good life. I've had so many traumatic things happen to me over the years, that I now realize the benefit of all that is knowing how to enjoy the good times. It takes too much energy to dwell on negativity, so I try my best to let the bad times go.

Right now I'm content with my life, but still feel out of sorts. Old insecurities are resurfacing, and there are things in the past that I feel I need to figure out a way to resolve. Back in 1996, while attending college at the University of Kentucky, I was attacked by 2 men who threatened to take my life for no other reason than because I'm black. I still can't believe it happened. Back then, I definitely did not know who I was, and was too afraid to find out. I was terribly shy, and was content to stay in the background and just do whatever it is I was supposed to be doing. Which is probably the reason they picked me to attack. The UK campus has a history of racial tension, and at the time, it was being openly discussed in the school newspaper, The Kentucky Kernel. Although I was quiet and kept to myself, I was still a member of the track team, and one of my teammates suggested I respond to one of the comments in the newspaper regarding racial tension on campus. Their thought was that by giving my calm non-political perspective, it would put some more weight to our complaints. So I did. Two weeks later I was attacked while entering the back of the Psychology building ( I believe it's called Kastle Hall). Two gentlemen attacked me from behind, held knives to my throat, and repeatedly threaten to take my life. I remember their exact words, "If you don't like your life here, we can end it for you." The funny thing is I wasn't even scared at first. I thought I was getting robbed. I was just waiting for them to take my bag and run. It took me a few minutes to realize what they were saying. Even then, I thought if they were going to kill me they would have done it by now. It wasn't until one of them cut my hair, that I showed any emotion, and that was anger.

They finally ran off, so I collected my things and decided to walk across campus to the Black Student Union to try and find someone I knew to help. Walking across campus, I experienced something I had never experienced before, a fear of white people. In my mind they were all staring at me. Later, I realized they were. What I didn't know at the time was that besides cutting my hair, they had cut the back of my shirt and my back. I had blood stains on my white blouse and a crooked hair cut. I must have looked crazy! When I finally reached the BSU, I walked in, but because I had kept to myself so much, I didn't know anyone in there, so I walked out. At which time a group of people saw the blood on my back and got a teacher to go check on me. I calmly told her what happened and she tried to walk me back in to the BSU to call the police. At this time my closest friend on campus, Monty, came walking by all excited to see me. I was so relieved to see someone I knew, I started to cry... and then I got mad. I exploded with anger. I punched the window to the BSU and started to look around hoping to find the SOB's that did this to me. Of course, they were no where to be found. We called the police, and the teacher called my mother. (NOTE: The worst thing you can do to a mother is to have a stranger call and ask, "Are you Tanya-Marie's mother?" My mother didn't stop yelling until she heard my voice.) The next day I went home for a week, and then returned to campus.

Upon my return, I walked across campus to meet with a Dean that had asked me to check in upon my return. In front of the Dean's building there was a protest going on. I asked a young lady what they were protesting and she said, "Girl! You didn't hear about this girl, Tanya-Marie, who was attacked by 2 skin heads last week?" I almost threw up on her. A perfect stranger telling me about myself wasn't something I was prepared for. Ultimately, I ended up leaving UK in the middle of the semester and transferring to Kent State. Which I realize now, was a horrible decision. I was never able to get closure to that situation.

The reason this issue is creeping back up is because a friend of mine told me that I should start googling my applicants. She told me the best way to pull accurate information is by putting their names in quotes. So, yesterday, I googled myself. On the entire World Wide Wide, the only thing about me on the Internet is the 1996 attack. I should mention that I was interviewed by several local channels, Inside Edition, and BET, so I figured it would come up, but seriously, that's it? I ran track my entire life. I was in the newspaper every day. It's one of the things I'm proudest of. What about my wedding annoucement or my baby announcements? How is my Internet legacy "Girl Attacked on Campus"? Have employers googled me and hired me because they feel sorry for me? Is this a sign that I need to do something to draw closure to that situation? Should I just let it go? So frustrating.